Gone, Baby, Gone

Well, after four days of being chased around by Puppy, I had to put a stop to it.   I was so sleep-deprived that I woke up dizzy and nauseous on Monday morning. 

The more I thought about the situation, the more insane it seemed to me.  He got in touch with me only to twist me up, while offering nothing.  He was still in love with his ex.  He wanted to be with her.  But he still hadn’t gotten over me.  And I live closer. Maybe he should just be with me.  But he was going to wait and see what she thought.  It was pretty clear to me that he thought he could get me lined up in case she rejected him.  Not something I was going to go for, obviously.  Even if he called me and said, “I’ve decided I want to be with you,” I wouldn’t have gone for it.  Because the way he operated throughout this whole thing taught me a big lesson about him - his self-obsession, his lack of maturity, his disregard for other people’s feelings and needs. 

So I told him I wasn’t interested.  That I loved him and always would, but what I wanted was to get on with my life. He was furious, of course, because he felt rejected, and was mean and petty as a result.  I tried to overlook it.  But I know enough about him to know that he’ll never forgive me for turning down his not-really-an-offer-of-anything.  I managed to stay on track, and managed to stay kind, and I’m grateful I didn’t let him goad me with his anger.

It’s funny.  He tried to convince me repeatedly during our relationship that he had a mental illness.  It was something I couldn’t see.  I saw him break down and sob, and I saw him struggle with depression.  It was only during the past week that I finally saw what he meant.  This is not a healthy person.  Someone healthy doesn’t behave and react to things like this.  Some of the things he said to me were rather disturbing.

And it was pretty clear that he thought I was choosing someone else over him.  He just didn’t get it.  It had nothing to do with anyone but me, and my knowledge that being second place is just not good enough for me.  And my thoughts and feelings and needs being disregarded is a big dealbreaker.

And as expected, the lack of sleep plus the chaos plus long rehearsals = Playmaker is now sick.  But the upshot is, that although I hadn’t been pining for him, and had been moving on with life pretty solidly, the truth was that I did miss him.  He’s cured me of that bit of relationship residue.  He put me back firmly on my path away from that relationship.  So I must be grateful.  And now we go forward.

Rehearsals are going well. I’m having a ball, and with the exception of one tiny scene that I’m still struggling with, I’m feeling confident that it’s going to be Good Stuff.  Auditions too, are going well.  I had one for a Greek tragedy yesterday, and felt really pretty great about it.  And Greek tragedy is not something I’d consider myself an expert in.  In fact, I scarcely know what I’m doing.  But I went in determined to go for it and fail big, if necessary.  And it felt good.  We’ll see if there are any results, but I was glad for what it was.